"i believe that love is the answer, i believe that love will find a way"  

even a little smile brightens a day. i am so exhausted. trying to be cool with people, trying not to stir shit up, im so tired. tired of being the peace maker and the one in the middle, but then again, i wouldn't have it any other way. its always easier to exhaust myself to keep things semi-calm. i give up.

first rain of the season, i'm so excited.  I woke up today, looked out my window, and felt content.  The rain drops just fell down the glass.  Its reminds me of my problems.  Rain drops are so tiny, and there are so many of them.  But why can't i just think of it like that all the time?  The problems that i face are so tiny and meaningless...but i have nothing better to do than fret over stupid things.  Whatever, it keeps me busy.

i thought last night was a bad dream..i looked at what i was wearing this morning and realized it wasn't.  Last night was fun though.  damn.  **Kayla**we need to do that more often!!**   It seems like the last 4 or 5 were all out of spite, in that last hour.  the more i think about it, the more i realize it was.  i didn't care.  i was tired of it, i wanted to forget and have fun, so i did.

Things are starting to look up in many ways.  I have guys after me for once which is cool.  I'm not used to being the chasee.  I like it!  But i also don't want to be a heartbreaker.  It's like i cried for so long about wanting someone and all that stuff, that now i have it and its not what i want.  Im never satisfied am i?  Im so scared of a good thing, i want it so bad, but then i run..explain that to me..am i scared of being hurt or hurting someone? of course.  but if that's what life's all about, why do i run so fast and so far.

I am soooo excited about this weekend.  It's going to be a blast.  It all starts tomorrow.  Im going to ditch school at Livermore (with moms permission of course) hah.  Kristi and I are going surfing in Santa Cruz with Jeff and Richard.  How awesome will that be?  Well let me tell you, its going to be way awesome.  So friday i work then going out and Saturday Michaela and i are getting hyphy at her house with Rob, uh oh!  paarrtaaayyy, and THEEENNN Sunday is boating with Allen.  woo!  I don't think you guys are picking up my enthusiasm!!

So i pushed moving back a few days so that i can have an awesome weekend of fun in the sun.

Nursing was sad today.  The guy that sits next to me was rushed to the hospital yesterday (not during class) and he is not in the ICU.  I guess his mother called Mrs Griff and told her he is mentally ill.  I feel sooo bad.  So we spent half of the class talking about mental illnesses and suicide.  People usually don't admit or recognize that they have a serious problem.  I agree with that.  My dads ex wife has borderline personality disorder but she won't admit it.  Even though she has 8 out of the 9 symptoms.  If you have 5 out of 9 you're considered to have it.  Wow, she's a little over qualified if you ask me.  Its just sad that It really comes down to people not wanting to live anymore.  Mrs Griff told us a story about her old neighbors, they had 3 kids, now they only have 1 because 2 commited suicide.  1 because she just went crazy and put on a show, and the other becuase he was seriously messed up and the country pushed his date back a month, he needed it.  People are so under helped, ignored and abandoned.  Its terrible. 

well i think that's all i have for today.  gotta get some work done so i can leave and go on a mission with someone!

Ok so yesterday I decided that i wanted my money back from Tim so i could end everything.  So I text messaged him and this is how it went. 

me:  Can i get my money back before i leave for LA so that i can cut all ties with you as soon as possible?    Tim: when do you leave?   me: i decided this morning that i'm moving on saturday   tim: wait what? you're moving to la this saturday?   me:yep  tim: what did your mom say. oh and yes i can get you your money.    me: she said nothing, and thanks.   tim: if you dont mind, why are you moving?   me:because i need to forget about things and start over.   tim:  honestly, i dont know what you have been going through but is it worth it to leave EVERYTHING behind?   Me: if you did understand you'd know that the answer is yes.   tim: kristie you dont understand how sorry i am for everything. my intentions were never to hurt you and i want you to understand that.   me: actions speak louder than words tim..you're not sorry.  tim: what have my actions done that prove im not sorry. you have no  idea what i think and feel do you think that i can just sit here and not feel sorry for hurting you?   me:yes i can.  you say sorry and i run back, for what? just to be hurt again, like when you're girlfriend answered the phone for a second time and how you said 'fuck you' to me and giggling in the background.   tim: listen the first time i was doing something with jude and then the second time i was laughing because jude and i were screwing around at albertsons. you assume things too much when you dont know what is going on.   me: then what IS going on?  tim: look 1. the fuck you was never said by either one of us. 2 i always talk to you dont i.  me: always? hah. whatever tim, you dont care (something along those lines)   tim: listen i am trying to tell you how i feel you can accept it or not that is up to you. i shouldnt have to explain myself.

then he called because he was tired of texting, as was i.  So we talked for a little bit. and i found out the *truth* for the 4th time, of why he broke up with me.  and i say 4th time because i've heard 4 different stories of the "truth". anyways,  he said when he got back from cancun he just stopped liking me.  he swears to god and on his life nothing happened in cancun.  whatever.  He just wanted to be the best boyfriend ever, but he couldnt.  he didnt see us working out, so he distanced himseld.  He also said that he had no idea she said "fuck you" from him on the phone to me..im sure, likely story.  so i told him what REALLY happened on the phone with her.  *silence* . im sure you were fucking around in albertsons tim..right.  you probably WERE standing right there laughing your ass off. 

On the phone, i also told him that i didnt even know him anymore.  The tim i knew didnt smoke weed, didnt drink that often, and didnt smoke cigarettes.  he told me, people change. no kidding.  but who the hell are you now?    He never wanted to hurt me..i guess he doesnt care about hurting this new girls feelings, cuz he's with her.  That just proves that he only wants sex.  Anmol's right.  well of course he's right.  I asked him why he lied to me so much when i did so much for him.  He said he thought it would hurt me less.  I told him it hurts twice as bad, you find out what they really meant to tell you , then you find out that they lied. 

I dunno though, i'm really excited about not ever having to talk to him again after i get my money.  I don't need that.  I don't need him always in the back of my mind as a "Friend" ya know?  i was getting ready for work this morning and just thought "wow, he is a horrible person, i really don't want to have anything to do with him, ever."  and i won't.

*****************************************************************************

I worked yesterday, then Jackie and i went out to Ice cream.  It was fun, caught up on what's been going on.  I love her.  Then i met up with Kristi, Branden, and Kevin at the hot tub.  We had to leave cuz there was NO parking and some crazy ass birthday BBQ.  We went to one in Livermore and the security guard kicked us out.  Lame.  So we found another one near there and it was locked, so we had to hop this tall Rod Iron fence with little prongs at the top.  Oh my goodness. I was like a CAT! ok not really, i was like an elephant trying to be a cat.  Had to do some crazy footwork to try and get over.  But we had fun.  I came home and talked online for a little bit.  Got really tired and went to bed.  And here i am, at work.  I shopped online at work yesterday so that isn't an option.  I read my Seventeen Magazine cover to cover.  I can't write my persuasive essay because i still have no topic.  CAN YOU GUYS HELP ME THINK OF SOMETHING TO WRITE IT ON.  That would be awesome.  I'm so stumped.  It can't be something too ellaborate because there's a maximum of 250 words to this 5 paragraph essay.  ugh.  so please please please help me think of something. Oh! and help with my thesis statement, those kill me! 

well its back to the grind for me.

Oh my goodness, i don't even care about the language in this entry.  Last night was SO fucked up i can't even explain it.  But here i go.

I went to the movies with Kristi, Branden, and Kevin, that was good.  Then after they dropped me off Eric called and wanted me to meet up with he and some other people, so i did.  On the way to Pleasanton I called Tim to get my dvd back, i have nothing to say to him other than "i want me shit back"  and who answers the phone?  A girl.  Conversation 1 went as follows:

skank: Hello?  me:um where's tim  skank: he's a little busy right now can i take a message?   me:who is this? *attitude*  skank: ashley, his girlfriend.  me:*hang up* 

I call Michaela shaking and Crying and she told me to try calling Cameo, called Cameo, no answer.  Called Michaela back freaking out and she told me to call Tim back.  So i did.  Conversation 2 went as follows:

skank: hello?   me:where is tim *sternly*  skank: hehehehe he's cracking up right now, he said he didnt tell you about me.  me: no, he didnt *attitude*  let me talk to him.  skank: he said fuck you, i dont think he want to talk to you  me:i dont care! tell him i want my shit back!!  skank: *in the background saying i want my shit back* what shit?   me: he has a dvd of mine and i want it! let me talk to tim!!  *tim gets on the phone*  tim:hello?   me: *pissed* hey.  i'm coming by to get my dvd  tim: ok but i'm not home.   me: well can you put it on the doorstep or something so i can get it i REALLY dont want to see you right now.  do you understand how i feel right now?! you're a fuckin liar!!! 'i dont want a girlfriend i dont want a girlfriend' well FUCK YOU!!!!!!! *hang up*  

fuck that HARD CORE.  I was SOOOOOO pissed, im still pissed. So i call Michaela back shaking like mad and crying and there are cops everywhere, she tells me to pull over but i'm almost at Todds so i go there.  Dan listens to what happens and gives me a big hug.  Then Eric walks in and asks what's wrong.  I didn't really want to tell him.  But i did.  He said Tim's an ass.  um thank you captain obvious.  He said he was probably just fuckin with me while he's high or something.  Dan said he called him looking for a dub.  what the hell is that all about?  Tim smokes weed ALL the time now, drinks ALL the time now, and smokes ALL the time now..and he's with a fuckin skank? good luck with your life tim, you're going to need it.  but honestly, this isn't the tim i know?  what happened to him?  i dont think i want to know this tim either. 

so michaela came to my rescue in pleasanton, with steve, and dan ended up going downstairs to see her. oops.  talk about a knife to the heart. poor dan.  anyways. so i took eric home real quick and drop him back off in pleasanton, i didnt trust drunk dan with sobriety check points to take him home.  While we were on our way back i get a phone call.  I open my phone and who does it say is calling.  none other than the famous Tim himself.  So i hand the phone to Eric and he screws with him a little.  Tim figures out who it is and tells him he wants to talk to me about "personal" stuff. i let eric aggrivate him a little more and i take the phone. conversation:

me: what.   tim: i just wanted to say i'm sorry for what happened.  me:you're sorry?! do you think sorry makes it ok?!   tim: no.   me: well ok then. cuz it isn't.   tim:  well i didnt expect this to happen!   me: what did you think was going to happen when you let your girlfriend answer the phone!!!!   tim: i wasn't near it   me:whatever  tim: well you can come by and get your movie tonight or tomorrow  me: fine, i'll be by tonight  bye.

so i made Eric go with me to pick it up.  I roll up to his house and he comes out.  Eric and i get out of the car and i walk over and take the dvd not looking at him the WHOLE time.  all i said to him was "Tell your sister i said hi"  Eric said he was looking at my face the whole time and i looked like i was about to kill him even though i wasn't looking at him.  Good.  Thats the look i was going for.  So then i get a text like an hour later saying "thanks again for the movie, and im sorry again for what happened tonight"  and i was getting ready to text him with "there's no rewind button, whats done is done.  i hope you understand how much i hate you"  but Steve said "the worst thing you could say is nothign at all, guys hate that."  And i closed my phone. No text reply tonight or ever. 

The more i think about it.  The more things start to make sence.  He told Dan he was talking with some girl in the beginning of august and we'd been broken up for a long time.  i told Dan the last day of June isn't a long time.  He gave me the "eek" look.  Tim said he didn't want a girlfriend right now, and now he has one who's a skank.  I wouldn't have sex with him, i kindof knew he'd get pissed about that sooner or later.  Whatever, i'm glad i didnt.  What i don't get is, how, 2 weeks ago, could he sit in the back of my car crying because of a song and how he made me feel, but betray me like that?  He's only looking out for himself here.  How could, 2 weeks ago, he stand there and give me a hug.  Or tell me last month that "there's no one else"  Now i know there was.  How?  How can 2 weeks ago, he stand there and look at me hugging another guy and get upset about it when he had someone else? How can he sleep at night being a horrible person?  He's now a main part of the reason why i don't think i can ever trust guys with my heart again.  But i know, there will be that one person who will be ok.  How will i know it's ok to trust them?  I'm gonna be screwed up for awhile because of this.  Im not mad that he has a girlfriend.  I'm mad that he lied to me, after all i did to him, i did nothing but good things for him, and all he did for me was lie.  And i'm pissed because that skank whore bitch answered the phone giggling like a fuckin pre schooler because she thought it was the funniest thing in the world.  That just drove me up the wall.

I feel so betrayed.  He never wanted to hurt me, and yet he let her answer the phone a SECOND time.  I hope i never cross paths with him again, or meet anyone like him again.  He truely is a horrible person. I can safely say right now, that i hate him.  I dont want hate in my heart, but sometimes you have to do what feels right.

Ok, so i just got done deep cleaning the house all by myself.  Thats a lot of work for 1 person.  I emptied the dishwasher, loaded it, picked up the kitchen, put ALL of the trash together, put all of the recycling together, straightened up the living room, cleaned my bathroom, including SCRUBBING the shower and straightening up underneath the sink, cleaned my room, vacuumed the whole house including the stairs, and picked up all of the shoes in the entry way.  i swear with all of those shoes there i could have started my own shoe store.... now my back hurts.  i feel good about it though, it looks nice.  It'll be a good surprise for the madre when she gets home, but she probably won't notice.

So while i was doing this whole end of summer clean fest i thought a lot.  Thought long and hard.  I played an old mix cd i have and there are a lot of songs on there that make me go back and forth.  Songs that make me hate him for what he did to me, then others that make me miss the love.  I caught myself thinking about the night he asked me to be his girlfriend.  We were up at Top of the World, i was sitting on a wooden fence and he was standing infront of me.  We were looking up at the stars and playing a game.  We tried to find words that the stars spelled out.  Before we went, he gave me a dozen roses.  They were ivory on the outside and red on the inside.  While i was cleaning I saw the dried roses hung upside down from that night.  I missed how sweet he was.  And now, I don't even know him.  I tell myself "People change"  That's what he did.  He lost the feelings, then i look at myself.. i see how much i myself have changed.  Some parts for the better, and some not. 

I thought starting school would be an escape for my thoughts..it's made it worse.  Everything is a reminder of him.  My consumer survival class-i had the same teacher for sewing and we'd always text while i was in that class.  lunch at new york pizza-the marines recruiter place is right across the plaza where he frequently visited.  colorguard practice-he always tried to show up and surprise me at the end of the night.  walking out to my car after the last period of the day-i'd always call him when i got out of school.   Everyone that hasn't seen me all summer has asked me "so kristie, are you still with that one guy?"  my reply is obviously not yes.  Then the obnoxious question that makes me want to shank someone, WHY.  that is a good question.  I honestly don't know.  I wish i did, i wish i could have the truth layed out for me.

On my dresser, leaning against my tv, i have everything of him.  All of the prom pictures, all of the regular pictures, graduation announcement, everything that had to do with him, in one pile.  I remembered i did the same thing with all of my mike stuff too, and i still have every single note, and every picture.  Do i keep everything because i want the memories?  I dont want to regret burning all of the pictures 10 years down the road?  I have no feelings for Mike whatso ever, but i still have everything..weird.

I feel  broken, even still.  I find myself unable to stop crying, even still.  I find myself with him on my mind, even still. 

I want to hate him so bad.  I miss him so much, but when i think about calling him up to talk, i get disgusted.  I have nothing to say to him anymore, but the memories still haunt me.  yes..HAUNT.  I think about ever forgiving him for what he did to me, and so far, the answer is no.  No one understands how much he meant to me, and how bad he hurt me.  I felt like he abandoned me when i needed him the most.

Why do i spend so much time thinking about him when he could care less?

I don't even know what's been bothering me lately.  I have just been sooo irritated with people.  Its not even that i'm being unrealistic, its the people are being straight up obnoxious and stupid.  I just want to lash out at people, that's not ok.  I'ts my bi polarness according to chris and damien.  But really though..i just get jealous for dumb reasons and then i get all pissed.  Ok so some of it IS my fault, but a lot of it is other people.  Ok FINE, you got me, its 50 50.  I am just so sick of people these days being shallow.  I can't even explain it to you.    When i'm with "hot" girls, i dont even get a chance to shine cuz their sunlight is over powering.  yes..i am very bitter about this, can you tell?  But then again, all of those guys are after me, but i don't want that responsibility.  and i dont want a guy if he's going to be shallow enough to go for the hot one.  but that's what it's come down to these days.  back to responsibility..i dont want that on me.  i dont want the responsibility of hurting someone's feelings.  i know how much it sucks and i dont want to do it to someone else.  but i'm being me, thats all i can do.

i dont know why i'm so scared.  scared of a good thing. i dont get it..im so lost in my own thoughts and feelings.

i feel like a crazy person.  what is this? does everyone get like this? is it just me? has anyone else fought for something then was scared to have it?  am i looking in the wrong place for happiness? i think i am.

school sucked today.  then i visited michaela and we went to pleasanton/got gas/met dan and eric at the mall/picked out clothes and earrings for eric/went to honda/got mad/dan eric and tyler brought kayla and i milkshakes/was happy/went to the gym/in a bad mood again.  my day in a nut shell.